The General's Revenge
by Anne Camp aka Obi-quiet
Summary: Tseng should never teach anyone to drive anything...especially Sephiroth. Zack found this out the hard way. Crackish


"Zack," the deep voice of General Sephiroth drew the other SOLDIER'S attention and he looked up from his desk to grin at the white-haired man standing in the doorway to the closet that Shinra officially called his work space.

"General! Come in! Sit down! Would you like a drink? I don't think you've ever been to my office before."

"Yes, Zack," the General said with a long-suffering tone. "There is a reason I came to speak with you today."

"Oh? Why?" The younger SOLDIER asked.

"I assume you received the memo from Heidegger concerning the changes in the SOLDIER training program?" Zack's blank expression gave him the answer. "Really, Zack, you should at least try to keep up with the company memos."

The dark-haired man scowled a little. "I never thought being one of the elite first class SOLDIERs would require so much paperwork," he muttered, eyeing his rather messy desktop with distaste.

Another barely perceptible sigh from Sephiroth preceded his next statement. "Then I will fill you in this once." Actually, he usually had to fill Zack in, and doubted that would change any time soon. It was times like these when he particularly missed Angeal.

He quickly pushed aside the painful thought and focused back on the relevant: The present.

"It seems that it has become part of the SOLDIER requirements to obtain a driver's license. You yourself have one, I believe."

Zack blinked. "Yeah. Got it just after I came to the city. Don't use it much though." He rubbed the back of his head a little guiltily, belying the large smile that seemed to perpetually split his face. "Why?"

"I have yet to acquire one." If he hadn't been the object of attention, the General would have found the expression on the younger man's face highly amusing.

"You…don't have a driver's license?"

The older man bit down on his slight annoyance and didn't allow a muscle on his face to move the slightest twitch because of it. "I believe that is what I just implied."

There it was; that annoying and playfully mocking smile. "I can't believe it! I never would have thought that you, General—"

"It was not a skill I previously required," he interrupted, not in the mood to indulge Zack's overly energetic teasing today.

Zack snickered. "Well yeah, but still."

"In any case, the president has asked me to set an example and obtain one. To do so, I need several hours experience with a licensed instructor, as I'm sure you are well aware. I currently require a few more hours before I am tested next week, but the person I had scheduled to drive with currently has…other matters to attend to."

Zack blinked. That had probably been the most he'd ever heard the General say at any single given time. Then he cocked his head. "Who?"

The General raised an eyebrow with a slight frown. "An acquaintance."

The dark-haired man raised his hands placatingly. "Hey, just curious."

"I would…greatly appreciate it," he continued, saying the words as if they almost hurt him, "if you could accompany me today."

"You're asking me to oversee your driving?" Zack asked, grin coming back.

Sephiroth's frown deepened. "You would only be required to be in the car with me. Any actual 'tutelage' is not necessary."

"But I'll be the senior for once! Heck yeah! I'm up for anything that gets me out of this office anyway." Before he'd even finished his sentence, he'd shut off his computer and moved to stand grinning in front of his friend and commander.

The General rolled his eyes. "Very well, then follow me."

"Right!" Zack said, closing and locking the door behind him. "Think we can stop for something to eat?"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes.

xXx

Zack liked his commander. Sure Sephiroth tended to be a bit on the distant side (especially considering recent events), but in Zack's opinion, he was a good man, an excellent soldier and an amazing general.

When Genesis and Angeal (and it still hurt to think about them, even months later) had left, Zack had taken it upon himself to become his commander's friend as well. Truthfully, he felt sorry for the older man. If the only people Zack had ever really trusted abandoned him, he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it as well as the General had. Then again, that didn't mean that Sephiroth had really overcome it. Actually, Zack suspected he had just repressed his feelings about the entire matter.

So any time he could get Sephiroth to relax or smile was, in his opinion, a very good thing, and he'd thought he would do anything to help the man out.

As they raced along the highway running the length of the city, he quickly revised that thought.

"SEPHIROTH! LOOK OUT!" One car ahead of them (obviously unaware of the maniac quickly approaching them) had turned on his blinker, preparing to come over into their lane. At the speed the General was going, there wouldn't be enough left of the Shinra car, let alone the two SOLDIERS when they hit.

"Please, Zack," the General said calmly, "I did see them."

With that they swerved around said car, weaving through the traffic in the lanes on the other side and then back again not a second later. For about the hundredth time in the last five minutes, Zack realized that he really wanted nothing more than to jump out of the car. He considered doing so, but one look at the quickly passing pavement outside the window persuaded him to take his chances with the General.

It wasn't much of a choice in his opinion.

"You do realize that the speed limit is 60 and not 90, right?" Actually, Zack thought he was estimating on the low side. It _felt_ much faster. He also didn't dare take his eyes off of the road to look at the speedometer. He preferred to see his death coming.

"Which speedometer are you referring to?" The General asked with a roll of his eyes. "I am following the speed limit."

"In what universe? Is this a modified car or something? !"

"Just relax and listen to the music," Sephiroth said, reaching over and flipping on something light and classical that totally did not fit the high-speed race they seemed to be on (although Zack couldn't seem to tell who they were racing against).

"'Just relax,' he says!"

"Please do not be so over dramatic."

"_How_ am I being _over dramatic_? !"

Wheels squealing loudly in a sharp turn answered his question. He cried out and then began yelling expletives as his hand reached up for the handle just above the door. Since Zack had gotten into the company owned car not fifteen minutes before, he'd already had more near-death experiences than he had had during the Wutai war.

"Zack, let go of that handle."

"Not on your life! Who taught you how to drive?"

Sephiroth glanced at the younger man out of the corner of his eye. "Tseng."

Zack's grip on the handle above his door tightened. "You do realize how many times he's _crashed_ something he drove, right?"

"I have taken that into consideration and adjusted accordingly."

Zack gulped and closed his eyes, hoping that would help ease the growing worry and nausea in his stomach. It didn't. "I am _never_ getting into anything driven by that man again!"

"Honestly, Zack."

The dark-haired man ignored the General's words as something else grabbed his attention. "General…what is that grinding noise?" The car had begun to shake and shudder as a distinct, harsh whine of metal on metal reached his ear.

"What grinding?"

"HOW CAN YOU HAVE MAKO-ENHANCED HEARING AND NOT BE ABLE TO HEAR THAT?"

"It is simply a function of the car. Please stop worrying, Zack."

The dark-haired man tried to sigh, but it came out as more of a pained groan. No wonder the other person that normally went with the General had suddenly found something else to do. Smart person.

"Oh man," he moaned. Well, one positive thing should come from this; if Sephiroth drove like he currently was during the exam, then he would definitely fail and Zack would never have to worry about it again. At least he could hope and pray that he wouldn't (and outright refuse any more 'requests' to accompany his commander like this).

Right about then was when the handle Zack had grabbed broke off in his hand. He stared at it in horror for a moment, unsure of what to do. Stupid mako-enhanced strength.

"I told you to let go of that. You're paying for it."

"What? ! I…ju…that's not fair! How is this car even holding together at all? I didn't know cars could—" he cut off as somehow (and he could not for the life of him figure out how) the General launched the car into the air and brought it down with a scraping, bouncing thud. "Cars aren't supposed to be handled like this!"

"It is a testament to Shinra technology that it can stand up to what is needed of it."

"_This_ shouldn't need to be required of any vehicle! You can't treat driving like you do a battle, sir!"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow curiously, but didn't say anything. Zack wasn't sure if the other man didn't know what he meant or if he'd acknowledged that Zack had hit right on the mark (but he was willing to bet on the latter).

"Sir! Eyes on the road please! I don't want to die!"

"You are not going to die, Zack."

"I give it three seconds!" He scrunched his eyes shut as they came up on a particularly large congestion of cars, suddenly deciding that he really _didn't_ want to see his death coming. "Whoa!" The car jerked harshly several times beneath him, and he heard a veritable symphony of horns honking around them. Just where were the Shinra highway patrol officers when you needed them?

"Three seconds have passed and you are still alive," the General pointed out.

"How?" Zack asked, looking back through the rear view mirror at the cars they'd somehow made their way through and then left behind.

"I told you, I have everything under control."

"Then I don't want to see what you would classify as 'out of control'!"

"Honestly, Zack, you're worse than the Turks."

Zack blinked, trying to grip the door (and probably gouging holes into the plastic) and seat at the same time as he braced his foot against the dashboard. "The Turks? What do you mean 'the Turk_s_'? Didn't you say you only had one other person you went with? ! How many have you brought with you? !"

Sephiroth shrugged. "Most of them at one point or another. It has become increasingly difficult to catch any of them with time off lately, though."

Sometimes Zack really hated Turks; far too smart for their own good, and now Zack had to pay the price.

But it did give him an idea.

"You know, I do have to finish some things tonight as well…"

Sephiroth frowned. "You want to go back to your paperwork?"

_Yes! _Zack couldn't help but think. _Better paperwork than suicide! _ But he didn't say anything aloud, trying his best to simply shrug nonchalantly. "You wanted me to be more responsible, right?"

The older man considered this for a moment before nodding. "Very well, I will take you back."

"Thank you, sir," Zack said, trying not to sound too relieved. "Besides, once we get there it will be about time to go home anyway."

"Please, Zack. You'll be back within ten minutes."

Zack's eyes widened. "But we're on the far edge of the city!"

"Which is why it will take so long. You should have informed me sooner."

"Uh…s-sorry? Gyaaaaa!" And somehow, the General made the machine go even faster.

xXx

Once they'd managed to reach the Shinra building again (and Zack wasn't sure he _wanted_ to know how they'd done so in one piece), he'd rushed inside with a hurried apology, missing the satisfied smirk on the General's face.

He did, however, ask after the car the next day to follow up on the grip he'd supposedly broken (after a rather firm reminder from the General). He wished he hadn't when they told him that apparently the whole vehicle had been scrapped due to the damages incurred.

It didn't even occur to him to wonder why the General wasn't paying for it himself or if that had happened before. Still, being the optimist he was, he did his best to hold onto his silver lining and what good had come of the experience. Even he could only come up with one thing: At least he wouldn't have to pay for the handle.

xXx

_One week later_

"Zack." The dark-haired man looked up at the tall man blocking the doorway to his office.

"General! Come in! Sit down!"

The white-haired man shook his head. "No, thank you."

Zack raised an eyebrow. "You don't have to be that formal with me, General."

"Hmm," the man said before he paused. After a moment he spoke again. "Are you busy?"

A knot of dread started to form in the younger SOLDIER's stomach. The scene already seemed far too familiar and while Zack may not have been the brightest candle on the cake, he wouldn't have gotten as far as he had in the company if he didn't learn. "Why?" he asked slowly.

"I just finished for the day."

"Oh, going to take your test?" the dark-haired man said carefully.

The General shook his head. "No, I took that this morning."

"Oh…and?"

"I passed easily, of course."

Zack suppressed a groan. He should have known no one would have the guts to fail General Sephiroth. "Oh…uh, congratulations."

"Thank you. I believe a celebration is in order," the older man held up a pair of keys. "If you would like to accompany me I will handle the tab."

For a moment, Zack was torn. On the one hand, he rarely got invited anywhere by Sephiroth, let alone with an offer to pay. On the other hand, he really, _really_ did _not_ want to get anywhere near a vehicle that Sephiroth had the keys to. Call it survival instinct.

"On one condition," Zack said finally.

"Yes?"

"I drive."

Sephiroth didn't look impressed but Zack refused to back down, folding his arms across his chest and sitting back.

"I know you just got your license, sir, but quite frankly I would feel much safer if I drove."

The general scowled. "My driving is safe."

"Come on, General," the younger man said with a pleading grin as he tried a different tactic. "I've had my license longer than you have, so obviously I'd be better."

A positively sinister grin spread across the General's face, almost as if he'd _expected_ Zack to say that. Then, to the younger man's horror, he proceeded to utter some of the most terrifying words Zack had ever heard. "Oh really? Is that a challenge?"

* * *

I have to give Props to Gamoden (yes he has a account) because he can sound exactly like both Sephiroth AND Genesis...and so I blame him for this. ^^; He also helped with ideas of what to put in this.

I don't normally write crack, so I hope it turned out alright. :) Let me know, please!


End file.
